If you have kids or hope to in the future, you probably envision teaching them certain things, from how to throw a baseball to perfecting your grandmother’s chocolate chip cookie recipe. You have or will decide to avoid some parenting things you saw your parents do, and will embrace some of the other things you experienced as a child
What you might not realize is that you’ll teach them a lot unintentionally, simply through what they observe in your marriage. Make no mistake you are imprinting on the fragile young minds of your children patterns they will replicate in their own families.
We frequently ask couples if they want their children to grow up to marry persons who treat them they way you treat each other.
I heard recently a quote I like: Too many of you came to marriage as an IDEAL only to discover it grew into an ORDEAL and you now want a new DEAL. Few of you know the damage this pattern will do to your children.
For better or for worse, the dynamics, tendencies, and habits you exhibit in your marriage will have a big influence on what your children bring into their own someday. Here are some of the things they pick up on.
How you express love and affection
Are you and your spouse openly affectionate with each other, or generally more reserved? Are you generous with saying “I love you...because” or do you tend to show love through actions? Do you have pet names for each other? If your own parents were very different from your spouse’s in this area, you may have had conversations about each of your needs and preferences, and what feels natural for each of you. Do your children see you affectionately touch and hug each other in front of them? You have a great opportunity to show them how a mom and dad/husband and wife are supposed to SHOW their love to each other. This is a great example of how your upbringing influences you into adulthood and demonstrates the same differences your children may one day experience with their own future spouse.
Who does what
How do you break down household responsibilities? Are they divided along traditional lines, or do you have your own unique mix of duties? Who is “in charge”? Going into marriage, you may have had lots of unintentional assumptions or preconceived notions about how your own relationship would operate. Similarly, the dynamic you establish in your marriage will set the tone for what your children consider the norm. If your spouse experienced a very different division of roles and responsibilities growing up, you’ve likely benefited from being open-minded and willing to adjust your expectations. Perhaps you’ve tried out various things to see what works best for your relationship. With this insight, you can be intentional about the example you set for your own kids.
Perhaps you'll consider what Barb and I do...'Whenever somebody works, everybody works. When somebody plays, everybody plays." We both work and play together.
The way conflict is handled
Do you argue in front of the kids, or try to keep it behind closed doors? Do you apologize to each other verbally, or do actions speak louder than words? Is conflict something to be avoided, concealed, or is it just part of daily life? Many individuals who are uncomfortable dealing with conflict can trace part of their feelings back to how their family handled it growing up. This can be helpful to keep in mind as you’re raising your own children. What skills do you want to model for them and are there things you can work on?
Learning how listen is half the battle. Will you begin listening with curiosity to your mate? Will you learn to listen to understand and not just to respond? It really is a learned skill and requires qualified coaching to master.
Attitudes towards money
As parents, you not only model the practical ways of handling finances (who pays the bills or tracks the monthly budget), you also pass down the values you associate with money. Is it tied to a sense of security or status? Does it mean enjoyment, like getting to go on a family vacation? Or is money related to feelings of control or influence? Money is a common sticking point for many couples, and it often comes back to differing values instilled in them by their own parents. Perhaps you and your spouse are both still navigating these differences yourselves. Understanding this influence – and how attitudes towards money are about much more than spending and saving – can give you a richer perspective.
Just as you were influenced by what you observed in your parents’ relationship, your own children are soaking up what they observe in yours. If you feel like you’re still figuring out the whole marriage thing as you go, this added pressure to do it well might be a bit intimidating.
Don’t worry – it’s not about being perfect. Simply being aware of how your marriage dynamics ripple down to your children can help you and your spouse make more intentional choices in how you treat each other, resolve conflicts, show affection, and handle everyday stress. By consistently showing up as a team, you show what love, respect, and partnership look like in action.
