There really isn’t a Plan B. If the church and the home don’t lead the way, we are lost.
Oh, yes…the church.
Hmmmm. Let’s see, the champion of marriage has always been the church, and yet there are nearly as many dysfunctional families and failed marriages within the church as there are in the general population. Go figure.
Many churches require some form of pre-marriage preparation before marriages are performed in a church. So, to quote an odd source, Dr. Phil, How’s that working for you?
Let’s take a small rabbit trail and look at who is actually doing anything spectacular in marriage and relationship education. The options are Door #1 – the Family, Door #2 – the School, Door #3 – the Government, Door #4 – the Church, and Door #5 – no one at all.
Door #1 – Ideally children learn how to do family by watching their parents interact and by having loving parents gently teach them the skills they are going to need to cope with adolescent hormones, to develop mature approaches to selecting a mate, to learn the skills necessary to have a lifelong relationship. Not working too well? Of course not.
· Most parents do the best they can and give what they have
· Most parents did not get good models themselves and virtually no help in how to teach their children how to get it right
· Many families are dysfunctional (remember that about half of them fail) and children learn more about what NOT to do than how to get it right
· OK, so until we get some help on board to impact parental knowledge and skill to teach their offspring how to be in relationship, the home may not get the job done…although we must keep equipping more and more families to join this battle.
Door #2 – the School – Have you looked lately at what is being taught in health and human sexuality in our public schools? You can find everything from hard-core mammalian anatomy to homes with two dads or two moms, LGBTQ+, gender fluidity yadayadayada.
· Are you happy with the schools providing condoms to middle school kids?
· How about a virtual absence of teaching of abstinence as a birth control method for children?
· How about pressures and teaching and laws that encourage abortion and the rights of kids to deal with these without their parental knowledge?
· Call me old fashioned, but I’m not counting on the School to teach our young how to have a successful marriage relationship
Door # 3 – the Government – If a camel is a horse put together by a committee, and we can trace the success of the Revenue Service, the USPS, the customer service of the DMV, the bailouts of car companies and banks with tax payer dollars, AMTRAK, and you tell me with a straight face you’d be willing for the government to be responsible for teaching our children how to be successfully married and in lifelong relationships.
· The government has been good about encouraging research in the private sector by providing grants for some of the good work that has been done in this space.
· The government doesn’t begin to do what it could to encourage and support healthy marriages. development.
Door # 5 – none at all – No, I didn’t forget Door #4, I’ll get to that in a minute. Far too many marriages and relationships are formed with absolutely no preparation at all. I repeat myself. Finding someone who looks good...feels good...sounds good...smells good...tastes good --voila this must be IT and if they will have you and having saved enough to buy a license is not adequate preparation to get it right, but sadly this crowd is about as successful as all the other options.
Door #4 – the Church – Repository of spiritual truth. The protector of values. The champion of the Family and marriage…well, maybe, not so much. Most churches offer a pre-marriage class or sessions with the pastor a couple of times a year. Some set aside a week a year to have a “Christian Home Week.” Occasionally a preacher will preach a series on family. Most of the things, IMHO, are full of platitudes and principles, but short on research-backed, skill-based activities that can be applied to the real issues which show up in marriage. I know I’m supposed to love my wife like Christ loves the church and be willing to give my life for her, but what do I do when she throws a PMS fit yelling at me at the top of her lungs? Hello. Anybody home? How many churches do you know who:
· Make successful marriages a preaching priority all during the year?
· Make Family Education a part of Bible classes and community groups beginning at late childhood to the end of life?
· Have ongoing elective studies in marriage enrichment available for short-term studies?
· Have small groups/home groups focused on creating marriage strength and support?
· Offer year-round pre-marital education with coaches available to follow emerging families for six months to a year?
· Offer a training program to prepare lay mentors who themselves have successful marriages and are prepared to mentor and coach?
· Have a deliberate program for rescuing crisis marriages?
· Have community partnerships with lawyers, judges and others to refer troubled marriages to a mentoring and education program?
· Have executed a divorce proof commitment to stem the tide of divorces?
· Embed trained marriage relationship mentors in each adult Bible class who present monthly on how to improve marriage?
· Train parents how to become partners in educating their children to have successful relationships and to model the process?
Can’t think of many? I can’t either.
We are prepared to bring the resources of several of the leading providers of research findings and skills-based programs to churches in an effort to strengthen both the resolve and commitment of resources to open the only door that has a chance of strengthening the efforts of what’s behind all the other doors.
Our service offering includes:
· Pre-assessment of the church’s Family based offerings
· Written proposal
· Engagement of Staff Champion
· Enlistment of Lay Leadership to be trained
· Provide Training in recruitment of leadership
o PREPARE/ENRICH inventory training
o Life Innovations, Inc. mentor qualifications, enlistment, commitment to serve (1 couple for every 50-100 church families)
o Selection of curriculum materials
§ Pre-marriage training
§ Marriage enrichment library
§ Crisis Couple Management
§ Age-appropriate materials
o Advanced training of leadership to be embedded into Adult Bible Classes
o Enlistment and training of youth leadership with age-appropriate materials (consider Dibble Institute materials and others)
o Divorce Proofing the Church training (McManus)
o Setting up trained mentors to be adjunct to the church’s counseling ministry
o Setting up Divorce Recovery classes
o Blended Family training
o Building a Marriage Success church calendar
o Identifying complimentary resources and personnel to be invited for special presentations
o Identifying other SmartMarriage opportunities in community
o Enlisting and training trainers to present to universities and colleges
o Enlisting and training trainers to present to corporations
Types of Engagement:
· One day workshop
· Weekend strategic planning retreat for staff and key lay leadership
· Contractual engagement for up to one year to train, mentor and assess progress, priced on T&M basis – on call, includes X number of telephone and email support.
· Contract for one Sunday per month presence at church to coach, teach, give direction as needed. Travel and expense plus daily fee
All fees are negotiated based on church’s need, budget and our availabili
