When Barb and I married, we were in our 40s and had lots of history behind us. The discussion centered around whether or not to discuss our past lives with each other. We decided that unless there was something in our past lives which would hinder our new lives together, we'd just close the doors on the past and focus on our present and our future. We had made peace with ourselves and with God over our past indescretions. We decided we didn't just bring baggage into our new life together, we brought steamer trunks inside PODS on 18 wheeler flatbed trucks. So we left the past behind and pressed forward on the path God was leading up upward.
So, what about you. Should your fiance know all about your past “baggage” before you get married—like mistakes, bad decisions, and past dating relationships?
One of the greatest joys of finding someone with whom you can create a soul mate with whom you can share your fears, doubts, joys, and plans for what lies ahead. Relationships are most vital when both partners feel free to be themselves.
Still, revealing past details can be both scary, overwhelming, can leave scars, and worst of all can provide fodder for inappropriate fighting when you bring up past hurts and failures.. You might be grappling with the idea of sharing traumatic experiences, mistakes and poor decisions you’ve made in the past, or even sexual experience with previous partners. The real questions become: What should you share, and when? How much detail is required? Let’s dig a little deeper.
It’s okay to spare the details.
Honesty is the best path forward for your relationship. But it’s okay to spare the details. There are some compartments of our lives that don’t always need to be completely exposed. It may be enough to name what happened and move forward without detailing too much. If it will be hurtful or unproductive to your present relationship, take Pia Mellody's advice and 'close your mouth and breathe.'
Dragging your fiance through every detail can be counterproductive. Don’t pretend that part of your life didn’t happen. Still, there’s no need to sjare details and specifics. Barb and I both know we've been married before, and that's enough. Let your fiance know those issues exist, but don't expect your new love to be your confessor for your past. Leave the details out.
Honesty prevents your partner from feeling deceived.
Keeping secret parts of yourself hidden drains your sense of presence and connectedness in the relationship. It’s important to find an appropriate balance for sharing that works for both of you. On one hand, sharing everything just to put it out there could potentially overwhelm your partner. If you need an additional confessor, call us or your pastor or a competent therapist. Don't ask your fiance to be in the place of a professional or even God.
Here’s another benefit of being guardedly honest about the past: It can help prevent your fiance from feeling deceived after marriage. If you keep everything concealed until after the wedding, you risk making one another feel betrayed. To the extent you will share past histories, please be very careful to exercise good safe conversations and assertive listening skills. If what you are about to disclose will be hurtful to your partner, remember that one of the bookends of successful marriages is learning how to have a servant's heart toward one another...'How can I serve YOU best?" Do that above all.
Be prepared to work through tough emotions.
Talking about baggage and past mistakes with your fiance can be troubling.
Be prepared to work through these challenging feelings together only if it enhances your current relationship. Focus on bringing humor and authenticity to these interactions whenever possible. Ultimately, you’ve committed to one another and chosen a path forward as a couple. You can absolutely get past the need for this and have the intimacy and experiences you’ve dreamed of together.
If you'd like to hear about how other couples managed this, take a look at the Les and Leslie Parrott book, Getting Ready for the Wedding. It’s a collection of stories from real couples to broaden your perspective and deepen your insights before you marry.
