Before I dive into this poignant blog from Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, let me disabuse you of common thinking about marriages:
The new always wears off of marriage…all, each, and every one
All relationships go through 2 mandatory stages: childish romanticism, power struggle anger. You cannot dodge either of these.
No relationship need ever fail. Most which do fail do so from ignorance of how good marriages are created and maintained
Conflict is just growth trying to happen
Few, if any, relationships get past the power struggle anger without outside help and education.
There is lots of ancillary help for struggling marriages, but those who need it the most typically do not seek it out or even know where to go.
The tacit assumption when the power struggles occur is that you made a poor choice and the solution is just to cast aside what you have and start over with the childish romantic phase again…and again…and again.
Failure to fix what is broken will only put a new face, a new voice, and a new body on the same issues which broke your previous relationship.
Help is available and it is cheaper than a divorce. Ask us...
“I’m not happy in this marriage anymore. I want a divorce.”
(Gently edited from the Parrotts)
One of the most painful experiences a person can have in life is learning that your spouse wants a divorce. No one marries with this ending in mind. People usually enter marriage with overflowing optimism and hope for the future.
Maybe your spouse has expressed a desire to end the marriage, but you want another chance to revive it. Is there anything you can do to breathe life back into this relationship? Should you try to change their mind, or is it time to let go? The answers are ‘yes’ and ‘yes’ and ‘no’, in that order
However It Takes Two to Revive A Marriage
First, I admire your determination to hang in there and turn things around. It’s devastating to realize that the future you planned may not happen as you’d hoped. But the harsh truth is, your marriage can only be revived if each and both of you are willing to put in the work to make it healthy again. Again, I remind you…no relationship needs ever to fail.
It takes two people who are committed to a marriage to keep that marriage together. Your conviction alone can’t stop your spouse from walking away. They have to be open to giving the relationship another chance. In this scenario, the only person you can control is yourself. It may not be possible to change your spouse’s mind, but it is possible for them to change. Remember you only have three choices when conflict comes: 1) keep on getting what you have been getting, 2) fix what’s broken, or 3) quit. Choices 1 and 3 are cheap outs which will never deliver what is advertised. Passive acceptance of the status quo continues the insanity of failure to grow. Quitting just delays facing the real question and puts it off for another day.
Be Clear About What You Want
If your spouse is determined to leave, it’s crucial that you get clear about what you want. Some people choose to stand for their marriage regardless of their spouse’s decision. It’s a rare calling.
You can say something to your spouse like, “Even if you divorce me, in my heart, I’m still open to you. If you’re ever open to reconciliation, I’m here.” It takes strength and resilience to stand in that conviction, and it still might not sway your spouse. It did not in my case.
Prepare Yourself for Whatever Comes Next
Let’s say you stand your ground and fight for your marriage, yet your spouse still chooses to leave. If that happens, you’ll need to prepare for a difficult season ahead. You’ll have an array of emotions to navigate, and a new future to envision.
You may feel a sense of failure, and you’ll likely feel guilt and a sense of self-punishment. You may ruminate, thinking you could have done more when maybe you didn’t. On the other hand, you might grieve everything you tried to do that seemingly fell flat.
Here’s one of the most important things you should know through this process, no matter what happens: If your spouse divorces you, that doesn’t mean you were a failure. It means the marriage was a failure, and it takes two people to choose to stay in a marriage.
If You Both Choose to Try Again
If your spouse agrees to try again, it’s essential to get the right support for your marriage. Working with a trusted counselor, therapist, or coach, and maybe even seeking out marriage mentors, could make all the difference for the outcome. This path won’t be easy, but it could pay dividends.
Here's my 2 cents worth...there are two bookends to fixing broken relationships.
Communication…learning how to listen assertively to each other with curiosity, interested more in understanding than in responding. Listening with empathy and a willingness to make changes. This is a learned skill and has been popularized by Quantum Connections and people like us.
Servant’s Hearts…learning how to lay down your typical question, “What’s in it for me?” and converting that question to this one, “How can I serve you better/best?”
It will be startling and amazing what those two simply skills can do to Revive.Renew.Restore your relationship. Check us out at https://www.24kgoldmarriage.org
