It’s inevitable: the honeymoon period wears off, and you have that first big argument as a married couple. If you were expecting butterflies, rainbows, and happily ever after, it can come as a bit of a surprise. Even if you had a more realistic perspective, it can throw you for a loop.
Everybody comes to marriage with a set of 'Expectations' on how things should go. Few come with mechanisms for dealing with unrealistic or unmet expectations. Remember Emerson Eggrichs who told us Expectations are nothing more than premeditated resentments.
Let's unpack some. of the for a bit today. The truth is, it’s normal for new conflicts to arise once you’re married, and for existing ones to pop up again and sometimes often. Marriage isn’t a cure all. Somebody once said, "marriage isn't supposed to make you happy, it's supposed to make you married." Lots of truth in that. In many ways it can feel it adds complexity to issues and ups the stakes when it comes to resolving them. But conflict is nothing to be afraid of. In fact, working through these common points of contention as newlyweds can actually be good for your marriage in the long run. How do these sound and are you still dancing through these?
“I thought that was your job!”
Marriage often means navigating new territory when it comes to sharing and managing a household. Who plans and cooks meals? Who does which chores? Who keeps track of appointments and social engagements? These are just a few of the questions you’ll face in your daily lives together. It’s not uncommon to assume these things will just work themselves out on their own, and sometimes they do. You’ll need to have regular conversations about what’s working, what’s not, and what makes the most sense for your relationship. You’ll learn to be open-minded and willing to make adjustments that better suit your individual skills and interests. These are great habits to establish at the start of your marriage. Plus, talking about how things were handled in your home growing up can give you insight into the assumptions you’ve carried with you into your own marriage and help you understand each other better.
In our house, when somebody works, everybody works...and when somebody plays, everybody plays. We share both.
“We always celebrate the holidays with your family; what about mine?”
Every family has their own holiday traditions, and every couple has to figure out how they’ll carry those into their marriage. Will you split time between families? Borrow aspects from each side to create your own hybrid version? Or will you create your own new way of celebrating? How will things change when you have kids? These questions present a great opportunities to discuss things like boundaries, family rituals and traditions, and other family-related areas of contention. Your families will likely be an important – and constant – presence in your lives, so setting a precedent early in your marriage to address these issues head on will serve you well.
Since we are a blended family, our kids didn't have just a family tree, they had a forest to navigate. In order to keep one of our married kids from being angry on holidays, we chose to celebrate on off days near the holidays. When they came to celebrate with us, there was no other competing demands on them. Helped us.
“You spent how much?!”
Money always has the potential to be a touchy topic. Before you were married, you may have been able to skirt around any major conflicts, but once you’re married, the stakes rise significantly. Money decisions no longer affect just you, and that can be an adjustment. Your spouse might have some money habits that take you by surprise, or you could simply find yourselves at odds over how you want to manage your finances as a married couple. Discussing your early experiences with money and how it was handled in your families can shed light on your money values and attitudes as an adult. It can also help you gain a better understanding of each other in order to align on your financial goals and priorities.
I don't care what money management system you choose, I just care that you both agree on one and practice it religiously.
So what makes these conflicts good for your marriage?
Exploring these topics as newlyweds or even old folks, sets a positive precedent for how to handle disagreements you’ll inevitably encounter throughout your life together. Since these are areas that typically need to be revisited from time to time, you’ll come to understand that it’s all fluid – you’ll need to be flexible and make adjustments as you go through different seasons of life. Not only that, but having ongoing conversations about these topics will give you a deeper understanding of the factors that influence how you both show up in your relationship.
So next time you find yourselves having one of the arguments, don’t shy away – working through it will do more for your marriage than you know!
Look, all of these and other expectations can be managed if you learn the two bookends of a successful marriage.
I. Learn how to assertively listen to each other with curiosity and understanding and without judgment. It is a learned skill.
II. Learn how to have a servant's heart toward your spouse. Consciously deliver random acts of kindness to your spouse every day. Lose the "What's in it for me?" attitude and replace it with "How can I serve you better today?"
We can help: https://www.24kgoldmarriage.org
