RANDOM ACTS OF KNDNESS
Whining is not one of the Gifts of the Spirit..."WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME???
So, now that you understand the Big Picture of what needs to be done…to begin acting righteously regardless of how you feel or how your behaviors are received, to focus on developing a Servant’s Heart, to move toward a functional behavioral style in relationship, let’s see if we can find you some practical things to do to help you get there.
First thing to do is eliminate one of the most favorite whines of people who are unhappy with their relationships and/or spouses. *What’s in it for ME!
· “I can’t believe I married this frigid b****!”
· “Take my wife, please.”
· “My husband is the most insensitive clod in the world. What did I ever see in him?”
· “My husband is never around and when he is all he wants is sex!”
· My husband thinks he is God’s gift to women, but his breath smells like the Russian Army bivouacked overnight in his mouth.”
· “My wife is a nun…she doesn’t want none…and if I can help it, she ain’t getting none.”
· Add your own to the list.
The litany is endless and is fodder for late night comics everywhere. Sitcoms and movies and television make fun of the wars between the sexes as though the problems between partners are inevitable…and funny.
They are not funny!
Here’s another Aha moment for you.
Before you can start getting what love has to give you have to make a paradigm shift from the WIIFM (What’s In It For Me) syndrome and develop the Servant’s Heart..."How Can I Serve YOU Best?"
Face it. Men and women just think differently. John Grey has the Mars/Venus thing, and others spell it out in different ways but the result is the same. Women want different things from a relationship than men.
A Servant’s Heart will cause you to refocus your life from the WIIFM* whiny-butt stuff that naturally characterizes so many couples to a commitment where you can’t wait to Serve your spouse. (While this can work unilaterally on occasion, it works best when both partners agree to develop a Servant’s Heart toward each other). Serving ranges all the way from doing the little things that you know please your partner to responding eagerly to specific requests without rolling your eyes or sighing. In short, it’s thinking of things you CAN do but ordinarily WOULDN’T do…and doing them anyway as gifts to your partner. I told you that before, but it’s worth repeating.
That’s what we call “random acts of kindness.” Gifts are things you can do that you wouldn’t ordinarily do, but choose to do.
So guys, take out the trash before you are asked, help make the bed in the mornings when you get up, pick up your drawers and socks and put them in the dirty clothes, set the table for dinner, clean the table after dinner and put them in the dishwasher or wash them by hand, cook a meal without being asked, tell your bride she is gorgeous, if your spouse wants to talk…find out if she just wants you to listen or wants a solution (mostly she just wants you to LISTEN 95+% of the time), solicit her opinion on decisions, do the little things you did when you were courting her, when you are interested in sex start courting her early in the day to build excitement…and on. John Gray has some great stuff on this too.
Ladies, tell your fella how proud you are of him (fudge if you have too), brag on him when he does the little things around the house, be sensitive when he is watching television and you want to talk (ask when it would be convenient to talk), have the cars washed as a surprise, keep a clean house, cook food he likes, from time to time initiate sexual activity, write him notes in his briefcase or computer bag, write notes on the bathroom mirror, get up and get dressed if he leaves before you. Look your best before he leaves the house to be confronted by dolled-up women in the workplace.
That’s not nearly all, but just some thought starters to get you moving.
In addition, there is another activity that you will find helpful in developing these new behavior patterns.
Get two wide mouthed jars or large coffee cups…or mason jars or even peanut butter jars. Wash them out well and label them HIS and HERS.
Sit down and begin compiling two lists with at least 10 items on each of them…more than 10 is better, but 10’s a start.
Print out two copies of this chart so that you can either create more than 10 items on each side or can have a do-over if you need it.
On the left side of the worksheet list 10 things you are willing to give to your spouse when received will say to Him/Her…”I Love You!” Make them something you know He/She will enjoy. On the right side, number to 10 and list 10 things you would like to receive from your partner which say to you, “You Love Me.”
Note of caution. Make sure the things you are willing to give to your partner and things you want from your partner are actual DOING things that can be observed. They need to be specific enough that you will recognize them when they arrive. And...don't include anything that begins with the word STOP doing something or other. It's gotta be something that can be observed in the DOING of it. Got it?
Are you stuck? Want some help? Here are some samples:
Things I’m willing to give
1. I will ask you the “morning question” today. “Honey, is there anything I can do for you today?”
2. I will hug you before we leave today, look you in the eye and tell you “I love you.” I’ll kiss you and tell you I can’t wait to get back home.
3. I will rub your feet at the end of the day for at least 20 minutes.
4. I will ask you the “evening question.” “Tell me something that made you smile today.” We will sit together for at least 15 minutes talking about our days.
5. I will cook one of your favorite meals today.
6. I will vacuum the floor without being asked.
7. I will sit next to you and cuddle while we watch TV together.
8. I will do the laundry and fold it and put it away.
9. I will ask you for a date this week and give you the option of having me pick the venue or you can.
10. I will be sexual with you any way you want.
Things I’d like from you.
1. Rub my back for at least 20 minutes
2. Ask me the morning and/or evening question.
3. When I get home at the end of the day, have something cold to drink, tell the kids to fend for themselves and give us 15 minutes to just debrief our days.
4. Make your signature meal and tell me it’s because you love me.
5. Hug me for no reason at all and tell me how special I am to you.
6. Take a shower with me and play the “I Remember When Game.” (See details in the chapter on Sex.)
7. Surprise me by taking the initiative to be sexual.
8. Give me a day of chores of my choosing.
9. Call me during the day and just tell me how much you love me.
10. Plan a spontaneous evening out for dinner to be followed by a romantic
sexual evening complete with candlelight, soft music, clean sheets, fresh
shower/shave/grooming, lots of foreplay.
Here are some more thought starters if you need them. We call them Random Acts of Kindness:
Things I’m willing to give
Categories:
Communication
§ I will ask you the “morning question” today. “Honey, is there anything I can do for you today?”
§ I will ask you the “evening question.” “Tell me something that made you smile today.” We will sit together for at least 15 minutes talking about our days.
§ I will be careful today to refrain from responding with irritation when I am tempted to do so. I will just close my mouth and breathe.
§ I will look for ways to brag on you today to your face and to others I meet.
§ When you want to talk, I will pause the TV, TIVO the program, and focus my attention on you. I will use good active listening techniques
§ I will find at least one thing I can do today that demonstrates that I am developing a Servant’s Heart toward you.
§ I will use the Couple’s Dialogue whenever there is a chance.
Household Chores
§ I will cook one of your favorite meals today.
§ I will vacuum the floor without being asked.
§ I will do the laundry and fold it and put it away.
§ I will carry out the trash without being reminded or asked.
§ I will clean the bathrooms today
§ I will vacuum the house
§ I will wash your car and fill it with gas
§ I will do the laundry today
§ I will clean the garage.
§ I will plant flowers of your choosing
§ I will weed the flowerbeds
§ I will prepare breakfast in bed for you
§ I will fix dinner tonight
§ I will do the dishes after dinner
§ I will bathe the kids and put them to bed so you can relax
§ I will be sure that the toilet seat is put down
§ I will put my dirty clothes in the proper place to be washed
Sex and Affection
§ I will hug you before we leave for work today, look you in the eye and tell you “I love you.” I’ll kiss you and tell you I can’t wait to get back home.
§ I will rub your feet at the end of the day for at least 20 minutes
§ I will rub your back for at least 20 minutes
§ I will draw you a hot bubble bath with candles and champagne and sit next to you while you soak and talk
§ I will start courting you with verbal foreplay early in the day when I am interested in being sexual with you
§ I will sit next to you and cuddle while we watch TV together.
§ I will be sexual with you any way you want.
§ I will set a time for us to talk about what makes you feel well served sexually and explore with you what feels best
Dates/Celebrations
§ I will ask you for a date this week and give you the option of having me pick the venue or you can.
§ I will plan a celebration for the next “SPECIAL” day that is coming up: Valentine’s Day, birthday, Mother’s/Father’s Day, 4th of July, wedding anniversary, Easter, Christmas, Thanksgiving
§ I will defer to you on where we spend the next year’s special holidays
§ I will take you to a chick flick/action-adventure movie (depending on who is doing the “giving”
Finances
§ I will pay bills on time
§ I will service your car so that it will last longer.
§ I will ask you for a monthly accountability session about our finances
Leisure Activities
§ I will ask you what you would like to do this week and offer to participate with you in one of your favorite leisure activities
Things I’d like from you.
Categories:
Communication
§ Ask me the morning and/or evening question. "What can I do for you today?" "What made you smile today?"
§ Call me during the day and just tell me how much you love me.
§ I want you to hug me at least once today
§ Leave me little “love notes” in unexpected places
§ I want you to use the Couple’s Dialogue whenever I irritate you.
Household Chores
§ Make your signature meal and tell me it’s because you love me
§ Give me a day of chores of my choosing.
§ I want you to cook my favorite meal
§ I want you to clean the house before I get home.
§ I want you to do the laundry today
§ I want you to clean the garage.
§ I want you to help me plant flowers
§ I want you to prepare breakfast in bed for me
§ I want you to do the dishes after dinner without being asked
§ I want you to bathe the kids and put them to bed so I can relax
§ I want you to be sure that the toilet seat is put down
Sex and Affection
§ Rub my back for at least 20 minutes
§ When I get home at the end of the day, have something cold to drink, tell the kids to fend for themselves and give us 15 minutes to just debrief our days.
§ Hug me for no reason at all and tell me how special I am to you.
§ Take a shower with me and play the “I Remember When Game.” (See details in the chapter on Sex)
§ Surprise me by taking the initiative to be sexual.
§ Plan a spontaneous evening out for dinner to be followed by a romantic sexual evening complete with candlelight, soft music, clean sheets, fresh shower/shave/grooming, and lots of foreplay.
§ I want you to surprise me with oral sex.
Dates/Celebrations
§ Surprise me with a date plan or a celebration plan
§ Be spontaneous with me when I ask you for a date
§ Ask me to go to the movies
Finances
§ Set a time to discuss our finances once a week
Leisure Activities
§ Invite me to do one of my favorite things that I do for fun and volunteer to go along.
Once you finish your lists of 10, exchange lists with your partner so you have your willing gifs and his/her desired gifts.
Each of you take the lists of your willing gifts and your partner’s desired gifts and cuts them into strips. Put the strips with one gift on each strip into the prepared jars.
On a daily basis pull out at least one gift that you will give your partner…and give it gratefully and graciously. Early on, if you pull out a strip with a gift you are not ready to give that day, put it back and re-choose. The rule is that you each get at least one gift every day.
Agree together that when a gift is received, the recipient will be effusively grateful. “Thank you, darlin’ that felt wonderful,” or “That feels wonderful!” Or something equally grateful.
Why? First, being thankful for good behavior is the right thing to do. TGR wants on her tombstone…Because it’s the right thing to do! Second, the greater your gratitude the greater the likelihood of getting more good behaviors in the future. So keep on giving out those attaboys and attaboy-girl’s to each other. If it doesn't deliver what I'm telling you, I'll buy you a burger at Burger King.
A SERVANT'S HEART
Verse for Today: "fully aware that the Father had put everything into His power and that he had come from God and was returning to God, He rose from supper and took off His outer garments. He took a towel and tied it around His waist. Then He poured water into a basin and began to wash the disciples’ feet and dry them with the towel around His waist. He came to Simon Peter, who said to Him, “Master, are you going to wash my feet?” Jesus answered and said to him, “What I am doing, you do not understand now, but you will understand later.” Peter said to Him, “You will never wash my feet.” Jesus answered him, “Unless I wash you, you will have no inheritance with Me.” Simon Peter said to him, “Master, then not only my feet, but my hands and head as well.” Jesus said to him, “Whoever has bathed* has no need except to have his feet washed, for he is clean all over; so you are clean, but not all.” For he knew who would betray him; for this reason, he said, “Not all of you are clean.” So when He had washed their feet [and] put His garments back on and reclined at table again, He said to them, “Do you realize what I have done for you? You call me ‘teacher’ and ‘master,’ and rightly so, for indeed I am. If I, therefore, the master and teacher, have washed your feet, you ought to wash one another’s feet. I have given you a model to follow, so that as I have done for you, you should also do." (John 13:3-15)
Ask your partner..."How can I serve you best?" Gary Smalley's 5 Love Languages Quiz may give you a hint or two.
