Have you ever questioned how deeply you love your spouse?
You like them as a person. You have love for them. It's still fulfilling and enjoyable to spend time together. But sometimes… you question whether you're still in love.
A classic painting shows a young lad and lass sitting on a bench shoulder to shoulder. The caption read..."Kissin' don't last, cookin' do!"
If you're feeling this way, you're not alone. Almost all couples experience ebbs and flows in their emotions over time. Our feelings can shift with life circumstances, major changes, and the simple passage of years. Let's talk about what causes feelings to change—and how to navigate these tricky emotions without throwing away what still works. I'll say it again and often...Love and passion are not feelings, they are commitments for how you will behave toward each other regardless of how YOU feel.
When Passion Shifts to Companionship
It's natural for the passionate early days of marriage to gradually settle into a deep sense of companionship, affection, and enjoyment. The excitement of the honeymoon phase fades, and you begin to fall into everyday routines. Over time, you might realize you don't feel that same spark like you once did. Attention to the details of a fresh shave, clean underwear, sweet breath, the routines of living often begin to erode the classic misconception that once upon a time...they lived happily everafter. Sometimes it's spelled HAPLY ever after
That doesn't mean love has faded.
In the early days, love was in full bloom. Your feelings for one another were all-consuming. In marriage, you will have seasons where that elated feeling is absent. That's just part of the package.
You love those amazing seasons because it's a gift to be with this person—loving and liking them at the same time. But it's also normal to move in and out of that feeling.
Passion Isn't Everything
Passion is important in your relationship—it's likely what got you together in the first place--but it isn't everything. Psychologists often describe love as having three components: passion, intimacy, and commitment.
ComponentWhat It Does
PassionCreates the spark, the excitement, the "honeymoon" glow
IntimacyBuilds the bond of companionship you've cultivated over years
CommitmentAnchors the relationship through storms, droughts, and mundane Tuesdays
Passion is a good thing, but if you don't feel it right now, that doesn't mean your marriage is doomed. Intimacy can still exist in the absence of passion and excitement. That's the bond of companionship you've built over the years. And then there's commitment—the bedrock of your marriage. You are in this until one of you dies.
If your commitment and companionship are strong, passion can fade, then return.
Your Feelings Could Be Circumstantial
Married life has its ups and downs. Couples go through every season together, and every season of life brings its own challenges. High stress, caregiving for children or aging parents, job changes, and grief can all play a hand in how passionately you feel.
Even if you feel like those feelings of love are completely gone, hold onto your commitment. It may feel like passion is gone forever, but don't give up hope. When you remain committed and keep enjoying your spouse's company, those feelings tend to come back around especially if you are passionate about making it happen.
Three Things to Try This Week
ActionWhy It Works
Notice how you feel—but don't let it consume you Emotions are data, not directives. They inform you; they don't rule you.
Focus on the positive aspects of your relationship Gratitude rewires your brain to spot good things, not just missing sparks.
Practice gratitude daily for one thing about your spouse Staying connected to what makes you happy and safe leads back to passion.
Double down on having a servant's heart It is amazing how it all works better if your sole motive is changing your focus from "What's in it for me?" to "How can I serve you better?" Figure out what blesses your mate and do it often and do it well...period.
A Faith Perspective
Scripture tells us love is patient, kind, and enduring. "Love never fails" (1 Corinthians 13:8). The biblical definition of love isn't primarily emotional—it's volitional. It's a choice to seek the good of another, even when the feelings ebb.
Malachi 2:14 reminds us that marriage is a covenant, not just a contract. A contract says, "I'll do my part if you do yours." A covenant says, "I'm yours, no matter what."
When passion dims, commitment becomes the bridge that carries you to the next season.
One More Thing
It might not feel like it right now, but shifts in passion are truly an everyday problem for many couples. The good news? You've survived every hard season so far. Trust that this one will pass too.
And if you're reading this after 20, 30, or 40 years of marriage… you already know the secret. Love isn't just a feeling you have. It's a person you become. The one who stays, who chooses, who shows up.
"Those who have found true happiness don't necessarily chase the thrill. They cherish the depth."
Thanks to Les and Leslie Parrott for the germ for this article
