The Most Important Asset in Your Marriage: Your Attitude
Have you ever noticed that you and your spouse can view the exact same event in completely different ways? One of you might see an obstacle as a roadblock, while the other sees it as an opportunity. The difference? Attitude.
Perhaps a short course in ATTITUDE should precede this article. In every situation you will face in your relationships, four things will be present: Feelings, Thoughts, Attitude, Behavior. No exceptions, period. Only one of those you can completely control and the others follow...every time.
For this article let's say Attitude is a predisposition to act in a particular manner. Your attitude will determine your actions. Unfortunately, if you start with how you feel and think, you will likely develop faulty attitudes and as a result, poor behavior.
The only one of those four categories can you absolutely control...is your behavior. When you begin your response to your partner with a conscious decision to choose to do what is the best behavior...loving and kind, you will begin to shape your Attitude. The more often you choose to do righteous behaviors regardless of how you may feel or think, the more you will be disposed to repeat the good behaviors.
As we have said previously in this column: If you want to feel what love feels, you must DO what love does. You can act your way to great feelings far faster than you can feel your way to good attitues and behavior. Trust me, I'm a doctor.
So, your attitude—and how you respond to life's events—can make a tremendous difference in your marriage. A negative attitude, when acted upon, can quietly erode even the strongest bond, while a positive attitude has the power to save a troubled relationship.
The only difference between viewing a situation as exciting or troubling is your perspective. Over time, a bad attitude can become pervasive and toxic, influencing every problem, obstacle, and life season you encounter as a couple. No matter what you are facing, your attitude can either make the situation better or worse.
We aren't exaggerating when we say that your attitude can make or break the quality of your marriage. In fact, the single most important asset either of you can bring to the union is your attitude. Fortunately, this is an area where every couple can improve. It begins with an ironclad commitment to doing righteous behavior with each other to shore up your predisposition to do it again and again.
Misery is an Option
I often tell couples for whom I officiate weddings, "Happiness is a choice" but "Misery is optional." How true that is! Even though it might not feel that way in the midst of a difficult season, misery is truly a choice, and one you do not have to choose..
Yes, circumstances can sometimes create difficulties or hard feelings, but responding with bad ....uncaring...unrighteous behavior will reinforce bad attitudes which only amplify the pain. The happiest couples don't necessarily have perfect circumstances; rather, their attitudes are in the right place. They don't dwell on complaints about their partner or their situation. Instead, every day, they make intentional choices of good behavior which lead them away from misery and toward joy.
What Can a Good Attitude Do for Your Marriage?
It's no accident when a couple rises above obstacles and navigates difficult seasons with grace. Intentional choices underpin the marriages that endure. It's not about luck; it's about the ability to communicate well and solve problems together as a team.
Optimism is a simple yet powerful way to adjust your attitude. Optimism helps you see possibilities and opportunities that remain invisible to a negative mindset. Conversely, when you lack optimism, you can't see your way out of difficult circumstances.
For a marriage to stay healthy and endure long-term, you need resilience, adaptation, and the willingness to grow together. This requires adjusting your attitude along the way. Without optimism, you will eventually give up.
3 Steps Toward Changing a Negative Attitude
If you find yourself struggling with a negative outlook, how can you shift gears? While there are many ways to become more self-aware, here are three simple steps to steer your marriage in a better direction:
Give Up the Victim Mentality. Even if you have valid reasons to feel wronged—job loss, illness, financial distress, or other uncontrollable circumstances—living with a victim mindset will always sabotage your attitude and consequently your behavior. When you are stuck in victimhood, you pity yourself, which blinds you to solutions.
Stop Blaming Others. Holding a grudge or pointing the finger at your spouse keeps you from seeing possibilities. Blame breeds bitterness and resentment. Living in a resentful state makes it impossible to practice positivity. Do what is right, regardless of how you feel about it.
Look for Positive Qualities. Actively search for the good in people and circumstances. What opportunities could this situation bring in the future? What might you learn from it? How can you grow together?
A positive attitude expands your view of the situation beyond the pain and into possibility. A negative attitude convinces you that things will always be this way and so you act unrighteously reinforcing your predisposition to stay stuck. But when you lean into positivity together to be loving and kind no matter what, you cultivate faith—and faith will get you to the other side of any situation stronger than before.
The other side of this coin is learning to have a servant's heart toward one another. Just do it or holler for help. It is always fixable.
Verse for Today: "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." (Philippians 4:8)
