Going the Distance in Marriage
By Dick Ivey ·
Part of this story I borrowed from Kelly McPhillips with gentle editing—and added a few lessons from 40 years of "learning the hard way."
An old story about a couple married 65 years, asked what was the secret of their longevity. His answer spoke volumes: "A vigorous outdoor life." Amplifying, he said, "Well, every time we got into a fuss, she told me to get out of the house."
It's funny, but there's wisdom in it. Change the environment. Cool down. Come back. That's self-soothing in action.
Everyone who says "I do" hopes for not just a marriage but a great marriage. One based on a solid friendship where you nurture each other, with high regard, fondness, and admiration. Research confirms it. But the real question is: Can you cultivate these qualities?
Yes. Here are six traits of lifelong, happy marriages—and how to practice them.
1. Partner Knowledge
No surprise: Partners in successful marriages genuinely know one another. When you're aware of your spouse's joys, triggers, dreams, and worst nightmares, you can interact with them empathetically and validatingly.
Why it works: "When we're validating, we're creating space for our partners to experience emotions and also to process them without fear of being judged or rejected." — Christina Eller, LMHC
Practice This WeekAction
Ask about the trigger"What's something that upset you this week?" Listen without fixing.
Recall a joy"What made you laugh today?" Celebrate small wins.
Dream check-in"Is there a dream you've put aside lately? Want to talk about it?"
2. Turning Toward Each Other
Psychologist John Gottman tracked newlyweds for six years. He found couples who stayed married turned toward each other 86% of the time. Couples who divorced only turned toward each other 33% of the time.
Physical: Angle your body toward your partner. Speak calmly and gently. Avoid crossing arms or clenching jaw.
Verbal: Emotional validation creates empathy and mutual respect. Try phrases like:
"I'm hearing that you feel stressed for XYZ reason."
"That would have hurt my feelings, too."
Faith angle: Turn toward each other first, then turn toward prayer together. Unity flows from presence. Learn how to do a safe conversation in dialogue. Talk just fills space, dialogue creates connection.
3. Buying Into "Bids" for Attention
Gottman also found that long-term couples recognize when their significant others are trying to capture attention. They answer "How was your day?" with specificity. They respond to "Can you take out the trash?" They don't split attention between their partner and their phone.
They offer curiosity. Or, if they're in the middle of something, they say: "I can't wait to hear about this later. Maybe we can talk after dinner?"
Bid Type
Good Response "Look at this!""Wow—show me.""
Weak Response"Uh-huh." (without looking up)"How was your day?""Actually, here's what happened..."
4. Conflict Resolution
Coming back together after a fight is key for spouses who are in it for the long haul. Rather than ignoring each other or waiting for conflicts to simmer out, strong partners take time to think and then initiate repair.
Eller's insight: "The ability to repair is so important. If we are not vulnerable, we will not have emotional connection... Vulnerability helps with trust building, intimacy, and makes partners feel recognized."
Repair Checklist:
Take time to cool down (self-soothing)
Initiate conversation, not accusation
Use "I" statements, not "You always"
Apologize when you're wrong
Ask: "How can we do better next time?"
5. Self-Knowledge and Self-Soothing
If you don't know who you are and what you value, how will you communicate your needs to your partner?
Eller explains: "We need to be able to understand our triggers, our pasts, our childhoods, and how all of these factors can escalate interactions with our partners."
Great partnerships are made of individuals who know how to care for themselves. Whether that's a day alone, a workout, or a night out with friends—keep up with your needs so you can give your marriage the energy it needs when it needs it most.
Self-Soothing StrategyWhen to Use
Walk alone When you need to process anger
Exercise When you need to burn stress
Friend call When you need perspective
Quiet time When you need to hear God
6. Acceptance of What Marriage Promises—and Doesn't
Last but not least, good spouses don't expect their marriages to be harmonious 24/7/365.
"Fights are inevitable. We're human beings," says Heller. There's no way people can be together 20 to 60 years without conflict. However, the way we handle ourselves in conflict makes a difference.
Remember: Your marriage is a constant collaboration. It evolves with time—as long as you keep "turning toward" each other (in all meanings of the phrase).
Expectation Reality
Perfect harmony Peaceful disagreement
No arguments Arguments that end in repair
Constant passion Seasons of closeness and distance
Partner saves me Both grow toward wholeness
From Our Kitchen to Yours
At 40 years, the Gorgeous Redhead and I have learned:
Turning toward doesn't mean you always agree. It means you stay connected.
Conflict resolution isn't about winning. It's about preserving the relationship.
Self-knowledge prevents you from dumping your unresolved issues on your spouse.
Acceptance frees you from expecting the unachievable.
We've made every mistake in this article. And we've practiced every lesson in this article. Some weeks we score higher than others. But we keep turning.
Discussion Questions (For You and Your Spouse)
Which of these six traits comes easiest to you? Why?
Which trait needs the most work in your marriage right now?
Can you recall a time your spouse "turned toward" you during conflict? What did it look like?
What is your primary self-soothing strategy when things get heated?
Are you expecting harmony that marriage never promised? What needs adjustment?
One Practical Assignment
This week, pick one trait to focus on. Write it on a card. Put it somewhere visible. For seven days, ask your spouse each evening: "Did I turn toward you today? Where did I miss?"
That's accountability. That's growth. That's the difference between drifting and directing your marriage toward the finish line.
For further reflection: Marriage isn't about finding the right person. It's about becoming the right person—then staying connected to the one God gave you.
This post is part of a weekly series on relationships. Share it with someone who needs encouragement. 🙏💍📚