Part 5 of the series on building strong relationships.
There is hope for those of you who have been wounded in your marriage or from a divorce. You can view Parts 1, 2, 3 and 4 on our website here, www.24kgoldmarriage.org.
Get on the Same Page in the Book
A willing spirit begins with a readiness and willingness to go get help.
In unhappy relationships, the root cause of unhappiness is often a lack of unconditional love and acceptance.
Controlling, demanding and unrealistic expectations are just symptoms of that cause. Remember Emerson Eggrichs’ statement in his book Love and Respect about Expectations… ”they are nothing more than premeditated resentments.”
That’s why it is so important for marriage partners to GET ON THE SAME PAGE IN THE BOOK.
Rebuild trust. Restoring trust requires reconciliation. Start by DOING trustworthy things regardless of how you feel about them. Take adequate time, paying attention to detail, and don’t be afraid to holler for help. The objective help of a Christian counselor or coach may be essential for the future of your relationship. Sin gains its strength from secrecy. Reconciliation gains strength by bringing the secret sin to light.
There are lots of choices for help. Couple of choices to consider:
One option among many is to look at what Barb and I do at 24k Gold Marriage www.24kgoldmarriage.org. We offer Marriage 3.0 – a concentrated weekend in a bed and breakfast setting of learning how to create a successful marriage. We help couples explore the path to Revive, Restore and Renew from whatever is not working in your relationship. Have you noticed how life seems to get in the way?
You get busy focusing on everything but the one you love and wonder what happened. I do not know of one relationship which could not benefit from focusing on what works and what works best in creating and sustaining a relationship that will last. Check us out.
“Dick and Barb are fantastic people. They helped my wife and I through some tough times. Their processes and teachings made a dramatic impact on my life. They are honest and pull very few punches. They tell you what needs to be said not what you want. They have become life friends. We love you guys.”
Here’s what we know, couples who take seriously the processes we teach and practice them for a year will likely never lose their marriages and their lives will be much happier to the end. We have references.
Also take a look at Safe Conversations from Relationships First by Harville and Helen Hendrix https://relationshipsfirst.org.
Conflict to Connection – the power of RelationshipsFirst™ lies in their revolutionary interactive program, Safe Conversations. Safe Conversations is a new way of talking that makes it safe for everyone to connect through difference. Using a three-step process Safe Conversations teaches you to grow and become more present in your relationships.
Final Note
While rebuilding trust, a truly repentant spouse will show evidence by taking the initiative to restore trust in the marriage. The following is strong advice to a spouse who is sincere about repairing a damaged marriage.
- Prayerfully commit or recommit to the lordship of Christ in your life.
- If an affair was involved, break all ties with the affair partner, or, in the case of pornography or other addiction, put all necessary boundaries in place.
- Agree to help from spiritual mentors and accountability partners.
- Commit to Christian counseling/coaching including sorting through the issues leading up to the crisis and making necessary changes.
- Take personal responsibility for the damage done to your spouse and family, without shifting blame.
- Allow your spouse the time necessary to heal without applying guilt or added stress.
- Disclose secrets that block intimacy with your spouse in the presence of a pastor or counselor.
- Create a covenant of trustworthiness with your partner that lists important ways you each will be faithful to one another
- Set aside time each week to be with your spouse. Go out for coffee or a meal in order to build communication skills
- Face each other when you are out to eat and pay attention to each other. A device free zone.
- Give each other a random act of kindness every day. Pick something your spouse likes and do it. It’s a ‘gift’ – something you can do, but don’t ordinarily do, and you still choose to do.
- Make a list of your values and plan for how you will hold onto them during stressful times in the future. Hold up your end of the bargain even if your spouse slips.
