This is Part 2 of our Relationship Basics series. Sometimes there’s no substitute for getting back to basics. It’s not uncommon to creep gradually into bad habits over time. Reviewing the fundamentals and continuously working on these foundational relationship skills will help ensure your relationship/marriage stays strong. A-F last time, now G-O. Stay tuned for P-Z.
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Goals: Setting goals together, whether long- or short-term, for your relationship or everyday life, is a way to live out your commitment to each other. It provides you with a sense of purpose, motivation, and accountability as you strive to be the best versions of yourselves – for each other and your family. Check out these tips for making your relationship goals a reality, as well as some insight if you have a tendency to give up on them. And if you’re working toward a goal right now, but need some encouragement to keep going, then this post is for you.
Growth: As individuals, you grow and change over time. Your relationship needs to grow and change, too. Without this evolution, it’s like a plant being stuck in a pot that’s too small. You won’t have room to truly thrive. How do you know you’re growing as a couple? Check out five signs here. Need some help taking those first steps towards growth?
Growing is part of life. Physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, spiritually, you name it – we grow in so many ways throughout our lives. The thing about growing, though, is that there isn’t a shortcut. We usually can’t skip over the hard, uncomfortable, or awkward parts even though we’d sometimes like to (middle school flashbacks – yikes). Even though it might not seem like it at the time, those stages are valuable. We learn a lot from them, often gaining experience and insight that helps us down the road. Through this, we also gain the confidence to stretch the boundaries of our current state, growing as we tackle the next step.
It’s not entirely surprising then, that our confidence and motivation can take a hit when our “next step” is too big. Sometimes we go for it and fall, and we say, “Okay, not trying that again anytime soon!” Sometimes we just can’t even fathom how we’ll make it, so we don’t even try.
Have you ever experienced this? How about in your relationship?
We often talk about the importance of ongoing growth in our relationship, but what does that look like? Is it big, sweeping changes for the better? Maybe. But more often it’s probably incremental. Two steps forward, three steps sideways, one step back. And that’s okay! Just as in other areas of our life, progress can come in baby steps. Sometimes our next step isn’t necessarily a big one, but it’s one that will give us the footing we need to make it to the next one, and the one after that.
In your relationship, what feels like a baby step towards growth? Here are some simple suggestions, depending on where you’re at now.
Feel like two ships passing in the night? —> Create a simple goodbye/hello ritual – a kiss, a hug, a meaningful smile. A brief moment of connection can help you let each other know you’re still in it together, even when life is pulling you in all kinds of directions.
Struggling to prioritize intentional time together? —> Set a goal of devoting just 10 minutes a day to giving each other your full attention. Maybe it’s after the kids are in bed or right after you climb into your own bed. Try to eliminate any distractions and just enjoy ten minutes of uninterrupted time together – cuddling, sharing about your day, or having silly pillow talk.
Already doing daily intentional check ins? —> Schedule a standing date. Date night, day date, lunch date, even if it’s just an hour long. Start out with once a month, then increase the frequency or work your way up to a cadence that works for you.
Got the date thing down? —> Take date conversations to the next level by trying something like the Discussion Guide for Couples. (Bonus tip: this guide also works great for daily check ins!)
Great conversations part of your repertoire? —> Take a relationship assessment. Find a Facilitator and get an in depth look at your strength and growth areas with the Prepare/Enrich assessment. Or go the “DIY” route with Couple Checkup. You’ll likely have some new things to talk about.
Completed an assessment recently? —> Team up with other couples to create a supportive culture in your neighborhood or broader community. Join a small group for couples at your church or talk to your pastor about starting one.
As you can see, these aren’t huge, groundbreaking ideas. They’re small, simple shifts that might be just the stepping stone you and your partner need to grow. Sometimes you might go backwards. Sometimes you might feel ready for a bigger stretch. Wherever you’re at, it’s all part of the continuous journey of growth.
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Habits: Habits have a way of shaping your life – for better or for worse. Sometimes it feels like it’s easier to fall into bad habits than to instill good ones, but really it just takes a bit of intention. Eventually, those habits, by definition, become second nature. Whether you’re striving to create positive habits around your health and throughout your marriage, or looking to nip some negative ones in the bud, we’ve got tips to guide you.
Hard seasons: All couples go through ups and downs over the course of their marriage. These different periods of time, or seasons of life, can be brought about by a certain event, your life stage or circumstances, or a combination of these things. They are usually temporary, even though it can be hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you’re in the thick of it. If you’re going through a tough season right now, find some encouragement here and here.
Humor: A sense of humor is usually a coveted quality in a partner. When you share a sense of humor with someone you’re just getting to know, it helps you feel at ease and gives you a sense of chemistry and connection. Once you’re married, humor offers many other substantial benefits to your relationship, including less fighting and a stronger bond. Read more about the benefits here.
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Intimacy: What is marriage without intimacy? Of course, it’s not just about physical intimacy. A strong marriage requires emotional intimacy as well, and usually these things go hand in hand. It’s about expressing your love to each other through a close or shared connection, whether that connection is physical, emotional, spiritual, intellectual, experiential, etc. One of the most basic ways to boost intimacy in your marriage is to work on your emotional closeness. Start by fixing these five things.
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Journey: Life is a journey, and so is your marriage. It’s unique to you and your spouse alone. Whether it’s gone exactly as you’d planned or you’ve taken several detours or alternate routes to get where you are now, you’ve done it together. Don’t overlook these milestones along the way. Find joy in the journey and take pride in what you’ve gone through as a couple.
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Kindness: Kindness is a bit of a tricky thing in marriage. On one hand it seems obvious that you’re kind to your spouse. On the other hand, it’s not uncommon to start skipping over basic kindnesses with each other, even if it’s simply a byproduct of familiarity. This type of complacency is toxic over time; avoid it by continuously working on being a better friend to your spouse.
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Learning: Embracing the mindset of lifelong learning in your marriage is what propels you to grow together – both individually and as a couple. Take the initiative to learn more about yourself. You’ll find that increased self-awareness will have a positive effect throughout your relationship. Be intentional about learning new things about your spouse. As well as you know them, they are also always evolving in small ways.
Love: It’s hard to know where to start when talking about love in the context of marriage. Hopefully it’s threaded throughout your daily life and interactions with your spouse, and you feel it undeniably and express it often. But the reality is, you don’t always feel loving toward each other. What then? Or sometimes, you might not particularly like your spouse, even though you know you love them. We dive into that here.
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Marriage: There’s a lot to be said about marriage, as is evident by this blog! Sometimes it’s idealized, other times it’s cast in a negative light. The reality, of course, usually lies somewhere in between. Marriage is challenging and rewarding. It can be the hardest thing you’ve done and the best thing. Ultimately, you get out of it what you put into it.
Money: Money is a touchy subject for many couples. Why? Because differences aren’t just about being a spender or a saver. The meaning and values you attach to money are deeply ingrained in you, directly affecting the way you interact with money, both consciously and subconsciously. As complicated as it can be, it doesn’t have to drive a wedge between you. Find out how money disagreements can actually bring you closer, as well as three conversations to have if you and your spouse constantly clash on the topic.
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Newlyweds: The newlywed period is a special time. The experience of starting a fresh chapter in life with your spouse is exciting, but it also comes with its fair share of challenges. If you’re only expecting the “happily ever after” part, you might be caught off guard when new issues develop, new conflicts erupt, or existing ones take on a new dimension. We’re here to let you know this is completely normal. In fact, we created a 2-part guide specifically for this phase.
When you think of investing in something, what comes to mind? If money immediately pops into your head, you’re probably not alone. It’s true – investing is often associated with finances. But in this post we’ll be talking about what is arguably the most important investment in your life – your marriage!
When you get married, you’re investing all you have into that commitment – financially, sure – but also on levels much deeper than that. Energy, time, emotion, love – you put all of those eggs into the basket that is your marriage. You’re banking on a lifelong commitment and a future together.
So what does this look like in the context of everyday life? Here are four surprising ways you invest in your marriage:
1. You address the tough issues – and table them if you need to.
Dealing with contentious issues in your marriage isn’t fun. So when you face conflict head-on, it doesn’t always feel like you’re doing something right. It can be uncomfortable and tense and just plain difficult. It can feel like you’re stirring the pot unnecessarily, especially when you easily could have just swept the issue aside for the time being. But when you choose to be proactive about these issues instead of sitting in complacency, you stop resentment from festering and prevent bigger, more insidious problems from taking root. And those issues that you know won’t get resolved right away? You understand that working through it together for the long-term benefit of your marriage is more important than resolving things quickly.
2. You focus on yourself.
It seems counterintuitive, but it’s not about being selfish or narcissistic. When it comes to investing in your marriage, it’s about working on yourself to be a better spouse. That might be learning more about your own triggers and insecurities, or becoming aware of the things that you struggle with and taking the initiative to work on them. Or it might be taking care of yourself physically and mentally to ensure you’re able to be there in full capacity for your spouse and family long-term.
3. You set goals together.
Whether it’s saving up for a big home renovation, striving to live a healthier lifestyle, or trying to make regular date nights a reality, setting goals together requires a certain level of commitment. It means you’re aligned on what you’re working toward, and you’re able to communicate to achieve that alignment. Depending on the scope of the goal, it might require long-term planning and sacrifice. You’ll need to be a source of support and encouragement to each other along the way.
4. You don’t try to change each other.
Your spouse isn’t perfect, but who is? Sure, they have traits and quirks that drive you nuts and vice versa. But you know that trying to change each other’s personality is ultimately a waste of time and energy. When you fully accept and love your spouse for who they are, it can create a positive shift throughout your entire relationship. You appreciate each other more and learn to leverage your differences instead of working against them. When you’re not holding each other to unrealistic expectations, you both feel more satisfied in your relationship. And when you embrace each others true selves, you create the best foundation for growing both individually and as a couple.
Investing in your marriage on a daily basis might not be about dollars and cents, but it does have a big payoff: a strong connection, a dynamic marriage, a sense of security in your commitment to each other, and the knowledge that you can count on each other no matter what life throws your way.
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Owning your feelings: When you own your feelings, you acknowledge and identify your emotions and take responsibility for them, instead of ignoring or minimizing them blame others for “making you” feel a certain way. It’s a skill that doesn’t always come naturally. It takes self-awareness and emotional maturity, but can ultimately be a very empowering mindset to lean into, particularly when dealing with conflict in marriage.
More about owning your feelings:
You made me so angry when you…”
“I felt really angry when you…”
These seem like similar statements on the surface, and the feeling behind them is certainly a common thread as well. While you could argue that it’s just a matter of semantics, the variation in wording can be reflective of a difference in mindset: blaming your spouse for your feelings versus taking ownership and responsibility for them.
Using “I statements” is a practical way to focus on owning your feelings in the midst of a discussion or argument. But what is the reasoning behind it? What happens when you do the self-reflective work around owning your feelings long before a conflict arises?
What exactly does it mean to “own your feelings”?
When we talk about owning our feelings, there are a couple different aspects. One part is that we acknowledge and identify our emotions instead of trying to ignore, bottle up, or minimize them. The other part is that we take responsibility for them, instead of blaming someone or something else for causing them.
All of this requires taking time to self-reflect and internally process the way we experience our feelings, what triggers them, and why. For most people, this is an ongoing learning experience that leads to better emotional intelligence and increased self-awareness.
Self-awareness helps you react with intention.
Have you ever started out having an innocent conversation with your spouse that somehow turns into a fight? Maybe it was your tone, a reflexively snippy reply, or getting defensive that derailed things. Whatever the case, it causes a domino effect of emotional reactions from both of you.
As you get better at recognizing your emotions and learn more about your triggers, you’ll also get better at reacting with intention in the heat of the moment – instead of letting your emotions get the best of you. You’re better able to take a step back and check yourself instead of saying something you regret or responding in a way that escalates the conversation.
Keep in mind, you’ll probably still react in ways you maybe wish you hadn’t. After all, you’re human, and reacting with intention doesn’t mean that emotions no longer affect you. But giving each other and yourself the space to be able to experience those feelings and say, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have reacted that way. I was getting defensive because I’m insecure about that,” is a powerful skill that can transform the way you communicate with each other.
Lowering defensiveness has a doubling effect.
When you react with calm intention instead of getting defensive, you’re less likely to attack your spouse with blame or criticism, which makes it less likely they’ll reciprocate and evoke more defensiveness from you. The positive effects of this ripple throughout your relationship, improving your communication patterns overall. You’ll able to express yourselves more accurately and really listen to each other, instead of worrying about defending yourself or deflecting blame. It becomes easier to let down our guards and be more vulnerable with each other, which is key to being truly connected.
Owning your feelings is empowering.
When we’re caught up in strong emotions, it’s natural to want to deflect them away from ourselves. You might dwell on the idea that your partner has “made you” feel a certain way. You place the blame on them, putting yourself in a passive role. You’re at the mercy of the people and circumstances around you. You can see how this mindset can be rather disheartening. On the other hand, owning your feelings takes you from passive – to empowered. You can’t control the words or actions of your spouse, or even the feelings they stir up in you. You can control how you manage and respond to them. Focusing on what’s within your control means you’re not stuck dwelling in negative emotions. You have a say in your own happiness and satisfaction!
There is no shortage of advice for dealing with conflict in marriage, but oftentimes the focus is on what to do or not do while it’s actually happening. By pulling back and exploring the idea of owning your feelings, you can see there’s really important work that both you and your spouse can do as individuals that will help you navigate relationship conflict in healthy and more productive ways.
