Grateful to PREPARE/ENRICH for this article. They publish the best diagnostic tool for couples to diagnose issues in their marriages. We use it all the time.
Everyone is busy to some extent, right? In today’s world, it’s almost a badge of honor – the busier you are, the more productive you must be. While I know this isn’t necessarily true, there’s something to be said for the sense of accomplishment that can come from doing all the things. But the truth is, it comes with a cost – and it’s often your marriage that ends up paying the price.
Want to avoid this outcome? These are some of the biggest mistakes busy couples tend to make.
1. Neglecting boundaries
Establishing boundaries helps you protect your relationship from external factors that can ultimately chip away and erode the quality of your marriage. For example, you might have boundaries to maintain a work/life balance (a limit on the number of hours you work each week, your availability outside the usual workday, not taking calls during meals, etc.) Or you might have a limit on other commitments that take time and energy away from your spouse, such as kids’ activities or individual hobbies. While it’s sometimes necessary to stretch them a bit, it’s important to stick to them as much as possible. Neglecting them, or never establishing them in the first place, will often lead to less and less time for each other and your marriage. Nothing is more important than making your relationship your highest priority. It also sets the standard for your children’s marriages when they grow up. For your sakes and for your childdren, protect your together time.
2. Putting their marriage last
Sometimes you’re busy by choice; other times it’s just the season of life you’re in. Whether it’s with your job, family, hobbies, a side hustle, or simply staying on top of the myriad of tasks that make up daily life, countless things vie for your time, attention, and energy. Is your marriage getting the leftover scraps? It shouldn’t! Sure, you have other responsibilities and obligations, but the emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual energy you put into your relationship is ultimately what nourishes and helps it thrive.
3. Living for the “One-of-these-days”
One-of-these-days things will slow down. One-of-these-days we’ll have more time to ourselves. One-of-these-days we’ll go on dates again. One-of-these-days, One-of-these-days, One-of-these-days… While it’s great to plan for the future and have goals to work towards and motivate you, you should also be able to enjoy your life and marriage in the present. After all, “one-of-these-days ” isn’t always guaranteed. Take responsibility for your present happiness by proactively making adjustments to your current lifestyle if you need to.
4. Never taking a break
Constantly burning the candle at both ends with no time to de-stress or decompress can be detrimental to your individual wellbeing – and your relationship. Edna St. Vincent Millay said, ‘My candle burns at both ends, it will not last the night, but ah, my friends, and oh, my foes…it gives a lovely light.” Everyone needs a break now and then to recenter and recharge. Plan out when you will take a breather together. Maybe it’s a long weekend away or a staycation. Perhaps it starts at the end of the school year when you intentionally limit scheduled activities for the whole family and focus on enjoying a slower pace of life for a few months. Figure out what works for you and your spouse and hold yourselves to it. Remember, only your faith and your memories will sustain you when you are old. Fail to make memories now at your own peril.
5. Letting communication fall by the wayside
Lack of communication or poor quality communication is going to be problematic for any couple, but especially for couples who are often going in different directions. When you’re constantly on the go, it can be difficult to find time to work through conflict, talk about issues, and share problems, on top of all the logistical details that keep your household running smoothly. However, staying “in the know” with each other is crucial for preventing emotional distance from taking hold between you. Learn how to have ‘safe conversations.’ It is not a natural skill…it must be learned and practiced.
While being busy is pretty much par for the course these days, it’s ultimately up to you and your spouse to determine what kind of effect that will have on your marriage. By being mindful of these common pitfalls, you can make sure you’re taking steps to keep your relationship strong even during the busiest phases of your life, and even more when you become empty nesters. Prepare today
