For a married couple to expect perfection in each other is unrealistic.–Billy Graham
It is generally known, that he who expects much will be often disappointed; yet disappointment seldom cures us of expectation, or has any effect other than that of producing a moral sentence or peevish exclamation.–Samuel Johnson
Emerson Eggerichs, author of a great book entitled Love and Respect says that Expectations are nothing more than premeditated resentments.
Everybody comes to relationship with certain expectations that are projected upon their partners. The tacit assumption is that my expectations will become our expectations. The shock is that expectations frequently don’t line up very well…and very, very often, not at all.
Wouldn’t it be great if we could put the typical expectations couples have in the hands of every couple considering marriage and perhaps provide an environment for frank and earnest discussions about them leading to agreements that will facilitate healthier relationships?
Well, here it is…a partial list that will change because YOU will send us things we have left out.
OK, let’s be frank and earnest about this…you be Frank and I’ll be Earnest…let’s rock.
This is a living document. Will you kindly help us expand this list so we can cover the vast majority of areas where conflict frequently occurs? The more you understand about expectations that folks generally face, the more you will be able to develop gentle means of helping moderate the pain that comes from unrealized expectations.
Here’s how this exercise works. Each marriage partner takes a copy of this Expectations list and marks it up independently.
§ Circle all the expectations you and your mate have not come to agreement about, then
§ Sit down together and compare lists, identifying three different kinds of expectations:
o Things you believe are unresolved
o Things your partner believes are unresolved
o Things you both agree are unresolved
These lists will provide you with real world subjects to use in conflict resolution and gift giving skills that follow. Complete these lists and set them aside for now.
Jeanne Sager who blogs on CafeMom’s The Stir was quoted on the Huffington Post way back in 2013, about 35 Things You Absolutely MUST Agree Upon Before Getting Married. Things like:
§ The tiny beard hairs left in the sink after a shave?
§ The plates placed willy-nilly in the dishwasher?
§ Come on, ladies and gentlemen! It’s time to settle the debates a couple absolutely must have before the wedding
§ Some of these you’ll see again on the following TOPICS list:
How about some things like these!!
1. Does the toilet paper go over or under the roll?
The U.S. Patent Office may have settled this one …The patent, dated Dec. 22, 1891, shows renderings of the paper in the over position, clearly indicating that inventor Seth Wheeler designed it to be used that way. I’m just kidding, you need to decide.
- Cats? Dogs? Both? Neither?
- Can you eat breakfast for dinner?
- Cold pizza: yes or no?
- Is it acceptable to open presents as they arrive or do you have to wait for the actual birthday or holiday?
- Should the dirty forks and knives go in the dishwasher with the handle sticking out of the utensil tray or down in the utensil tray?
- Is it acceptable to leave dishes in the sink to “soak” overnight, or do they need to be cleaned before bed?
- Toothpaste: cap on or cap off?
- Again on the toothpaste: roll it from the bottom or just squeeze really hard?
- Are towels a one-time use item or do you use the same towel until laundry day?
- How about washcloths?
- Road trip or flying?
- What’s the right thread count for sheets?
- What brand of toilet paper?
- Mayo or Miracle Whip?
- Pepsi or Coke?
- Can you eat the holiday candy out in the display bowl or must it be left there for display?
- What is YOUR definition of camping?
- Turn the thermostat down when you go out or leave it alone?
- At what point is a garbage bag too full to stuff more trash in it?
- How many times is it acceptable to hit the snooze button?
- Thrift store shopping: great deals or gross?
- How far in advance is it OK to plan a vacation?
- Restaurant reservations: necessary or too restrictive?
- Roller coasters: love ’em or hate ’em?
- More chocolate chips, less cookie or more cookie, less chips?
- How much orange juice must be left in the container for it to be returned to the fridge?
- Chip clips or just roll the bag up?
- Call the doctor or just take some medicine at home?
- Where is the prime location for the TV remote to stay?
- Is it OK to have a TV in the bedroom?
- Should folded clothes be put away, or is it OK to just pull as needed from the basket of clean laundry?
- Do you need to write a grocery list or just wait until you’re walking around the store to figure out what you need?
- Making the bed: must-do or waste of time because you’re just going to get back in it?
- Is it OK to shave/clip toenails in the living room?
See? So many issues, so little time to get them straightened out before you’re grumbling about that dishwasher.
All right, weigh in: what drives you batty about your partner that you wish you’d settled before the wedding? Some of these will apply to you. Others won’t. Please feel free to add others we may have missed. We are indebted to scores of people for this list, some of which will apply to you and others not so much.
Topics
WEDDING
· When?
· Where?
· How big?
· Who pays?
· Go into debt to buy wedding rings and dress or pay cash?
· Wedding party?
· Wedding coordinator? Wise to get some help here to keep the bride from too much stress.
· Minister or civil official? Who?
· Marriage preparation coaching? Who and when?
· Honeymoon? How much to spend and where to go?
MONEY
· Whose money is it? Mine? Yours? Ours?
· One or two incomes?
· Will wife work outside the home when children come?
· Who pays the bills?
· Do we pay bills online or write checks?
· Separate or joint checking accounts?
· Budgeting—how to decide? 80-10-10 (Live on 80%, save 10%, give away 10%)
· How much can you spend without asking your partner?
· How do we decide on how much and when to buy Big Ticket items?
· What constitutes a Big Ticket item?
· Discretionary spending–mad money? How much can each of us spend every week without accountability
· Credit card usage and philosophy
· How to manage debt?
· Getting debt free—what is the plan?
· Who keeps the records?
· Do you have a repository listing all your assets and liabilities?
· Pictorial record of all your household stuff
· Who figures the taxes? Do we use online software or use a tax professional? Who and how much?
· Insurance – what kinds and how much? Beneficiaries? When to have “scheduled” coverages of your high value assets (i.e. engagement ring, pianos, furs, jewelry, etc.)
· What kind of cars will we drive?
· How long will we drive cars?
· Do we keep car payments or only pay cash for them?
· Do we buy new or used cars?
· Will our cars accommodate taking another adult couple with us for social outings?
· Do we know how to never have a car payment again? Ask if you do not!
· Gift giving policies (birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, etc?)
· What are our expectations regarding investments? Systematic savings? 401K, IRAs who is beneficiary?
· If either of us has employee 401k or 403B plans what is the agreement about maximizing contributions?
· Retirement accounts? Where shall we go to get investments advice and how to get knowledgeable about risk taking?
· Gift giving policies (birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, etc?)
· Do we have wills? Advanced Directives? Life insurance? Who are our beneficiaries? Who will get custody of our children if we should perish in a common tragedy?
· How will we hold title to our investments? Joint names or single name investments?
· How long do we plan to work?
· Tithing or giving to church or other charities?
· If either of us have prior marriages, what are the implications for alimony payments, child support or parental support now or later?
· Do either of you have aging parents who will require care and attention? How will you provide for them?
· Who should we select to provide us financial planning and legal advice?
SENIOR ADULT/END OF LIFE PLANNING
§ Long-term care insurance?
§ Wills, Trusts?
§ When to retire?
§ How to provide for surviving spouse if one of you precedes the other in death?
§ Pre-need funeral planning?
§ Advance directives?
§ Durable Powers of Attorney? When?
§ Where to go to get help with all of this?
SEX/AFFECTION
· Can you talk to each other freely about what you want sexually? Affectionately?
· Are you getting what you want from each other?
· How and when to ASK for sexual expression? (Men to get with the notion of advanced foreplay)
· Understanding sexual activity as “gifts” given even when personal preference is to say NO
· Plans for birth control?
· How to say NO to each other without creating a barrier? (I.e. ‘Not right now, but if you’ll set the alarm an hour earlier in the morning when I’m feeling better, then I’ll..!)
· Morning question: “Is there anything I can do for you today?”
· Evening question: “What made you smile today?”
· Snuggling on the couch each evening?
· How much freedom of expression sexually is acceptable?
· Do either of us have trust or jealousy issues to discuss?
· Do either of us have prior relationships that will cause us difficulty in our relationship?
· Are there relationships from our past that will get in the way of our creating a new home and family? What to do about them?
· Debriefing each other at the end of the day?
· How frequently do we schedule romantic events? Dates? Overnights away from home? Long Weekends?
HOUSING
· Where will we live? Rent? Own?
· What is the standard for house chores?
· Who cooks?
· Who sets table?
· Who cleans up after meals?
· Who vacuums?
· Who puts dishes away?
· Who cleans toilets and bathrooms?
· Who washes, dries and puts away clothing?
· Who mows the yard and tends landscaping?
· Who takes out the trash and how often?
· Who does painting and decorating and house repairs?
· What temperature do we keep in the house?
· Which way does the toilet tissue go on the roller?
· What kind of bed will we sleep in?
· Do we make the bed every morning? Together? Separately?
· Which way does the top sheet go on the bed?
· How are towels folded
· Where do dirty clothes go?
· Which side of the bed do we sleep on? (and don’t tell me the TOP side)
· Who decides on how to decorate and furnish the house?
· What are getting up and going to bed times?
· Who controls the TV remote?
· What TV do you watch?
· What are your reading tastes?
· Can one of us read in bed without disturbing the other?
· Can one of us watch TV in bed without disturbing the other?
· Are our sleeping habits different? Night owl v. going to bed with the chickens? Early riser v. sleep as late as possible?
· Do either of us have unusual eating habits or food preferences to disclose?
CHILDREN
· How many children do we want?
· When do we want to begin a family?
· What are our plans for educating our children? K-12 and College? Public schools, private schools, religious schools, home schooling?
· What are our expectations for disciplining children?
· If we are a blended family, the whole range of issues surrounding, visitation, child support, education, beneficiaries, etc.
· What are expectations regarding yours, mine and our children if a blended family?
LEISURE
· What do you like to do for fun together?
· What do you like to do for fun separately?
· Are you comfortable with the mix of together and apart things you do?
· How do we plan for special celebrations: birthdays, anniversaries, special holidays, Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving?
· How do you deal with differentials in expectations between the two of you and your parents’ expectations about holiday visits?
· What are your expectations for dates? How frequently and what to do?
· What about Vacations? Do you spend them with parents? If so, which ones and how often? If elsewhere on your own, how do you plan to deal with parental expectations?
· What are your expectations regarding TRADITIONS for YOUR family? i.e. planning wedding anniversaries (taking turns), lunch together after church on Sundays, keeping an active “Caring Behavior” list and practice “gift giving,” etc.
FAMILY and FRIENDS
· How much time to spend with relatives and when?
· How to determine holiday schedules relative to parents?
· Responsibility for aging parents? If there are multiple siblings on one or both sides, how do you decide on responsibilities and when?
· How do your friends and family feel about your upcoming marriage?
· Do you like each other’s friends? How many of them will you include in your circle of “couple” friends? Exclude?
· Will our house be designed to accommodate hospitality?
· How frequently will we open our home to guests?
· When we are on road trips, who drives?
· How do you feel about stopping on a road trip when anybody on board calls for a potty break?
CONFLICT RESOLUTION
· How do you respond to conflict? (Are you a skunk or a turtle?)
· Are you satisfied with your ability to get resolution?
· Are you focusing on the “real” issues of conflict?
· Are you using the Couple’s Dialogue when necessary?
· Are you willing to go for help when you get stuck in conflict without an obvious resolution?
· Would you sign an agreement that if either of you thinks you are in trouble that both of you will go get help?
· Will you commit to learning how to provide each other with a reasonable expectation that you can get whatever you ask for from each other?
· Have you taken the “Prepare-Enrich” series inventory or the “SYMBIS Assessment yet? Will you spend $35 to do so?
TIME OUTS
· When conflict arises and you cannot get immediate resolution, how do you declare a truce?
· What are the rules for re-engaging an issue after a truce?
CHURCH
· What will you do about church participation? Leadership?
· Sunday school or Bible study attendance?
· What are our expectations about denominational or church type preferences?
· Where can we find common ground of where to worship and the amount of involvement?
· Are there any non-negotiable differences, and if so, how to resolve them?
CIVIC RESPONSIBILITY
· What involvements do you have in the community and society?
· Are you on the same page geopolitically and in social values? How might differences inhibit your relationship?
· What are your positions on political ideologies? Can you co-exist?
· What are the organizations where you will provide volunteer services? Can you agree on the amount of outside activity that is acceptable?
