Nearly 37 years ago, Barb and I said, “I Do!” and we meant it…we just didn’t know what the DO part meant. It wasn’t until the new wore off and we began to DO the same old things which hadn’t worked before in marriage that we decided there had to be some things we did not know how to do.
Going anywhere to get help seemed really scary. But here’s a secret that could protect your future marriage – getting help and being vulnerable aren’t nearly as scary as staying stuck in relationships you don’t know how to fix!
Getting the right kind of coaching or counseling may seem scary. But here’s a secret that could protect your future marriage- it’s not scary! You’ll never know this unless and until you give it a shot.
See, it isn’t the experience of telling your stories itself that is nerve-racking (though seeking help does often come with a stigma), but rather, it is the knowledge that at coaching or counseling appointment, you will have to be vulnerable. You will be asked to bare your heart and soul – that’s what makes most people run the other direction. Then add your mate next to you on that couch ALSO being vulnerable – you can see why many couples are unwilling to consider getting outside help when their relationship is in a bumpy patch.
Confess it, you don’t want others to see the mess inside of you. It seems impossible your spouse could love you if they really knew about your past, your weaknesses, your fears, or your failures. OR maybe you don’t want to see the mess in them! You may not want to face the fact that your partner is not perfect either. Perhaps you think the lovey-dovey stage is supposed go on for all eternity…and it’s a shock when it doesn’t. Here’s an aha for you…It wears off for everybody. No exceptions
But I am here to tell you, pursuing each other’s hearts through an intentional relationship…learning to get over yourself and “What’s In It For Me?” and learning how to develop Servant’s Hearts toward each other…”How Can I Serve You Best?” may be the best decision you’ll make for your marriage. Knowing each other’s strengths and weaknesses is so important for your marriage to function in a healthy way – to work together as a team!
“In marriage, you must submit to each other’s strengths and protect each other’s weaknesses.”
And by that statement, they meant this: you and your spouse are different (mind-blowing, I know… but wait, there’s more). That’s what makes you unique and likely drawn to each other! But it can also be a deep source of division. You should seek to support your partner’s strengths and defer to those. Simultaneously, you need to guard against judgement or bitterness in the areas your partner struggles.
For example, I am sure you’ve all thought one of these two things in a heated conversation:
“Maybe if I just don’t say anything, the issue will resolve itself. It’s not a big deal to me!”
“Why won’t you say something- ANYthing? For this to work, we have to resolve this issue right this very second!”
Just me and my spouse? I’m guessing not.How can we submit to strengths and protect weaknesses?
Focus on the positives that each brings to the table. What one partner sees as withdrawing may for the other be peace-filled, instantaneous forgiveness for what happened. Or instead of getting frustrated by the nagging pursuer, know that they want more than anything to know you deeply and show you that you’re loved. Believing the best in each other is difficult! And per our premarital counselor, takes a lot of time and intentionality. Without knowing your strengths and weaknesses, it can be impossible to see the other person’s side, to understand how they tick!
Please know that going deep and truly seeking to understand your partner, can positively affect the way you show them love and how they respond to you in return.
And the more often you go deep with each other, the easier it gets! Soon you’ll be running to your coach’s office just waiting to see how the two of you can press in and enrich your life together! It’s worked for us more than 36 years now and it gets sweeter all the time. I’m so glad we went looking for help!!!
Based in part on an article by Lindsey Strong-Sullivan, a freelance writer
