Our friends at Prepare/Enrich ask a critical holiday question. Is your marriage a sanctuary…a safe place.
At the end of a difficult or stressful day, is your marriage a soft place to land? Is it a comforting place you can turn to when you’re feeling down and out, vulnerable, or overwhelmed?
Of course we’d like to say the answer is always “yes,” but the reality is that sometimes marriage itself can be a source of stress and tension. While this is totally normal – and can actually be a positive sign of relationship growth – it’s definitely not a permanent state you want your marriage to be in.
Most of the time, we want our marriage to be that comforting home base we can turn to. So how can you make yours more of a sanctuary? Here are a five key tips.
1. Cultivate emotional safety.
In order to let your guard down, you need to feel comfortable expressing your true emotions. That requires a sense of emotional safety – feeling fully accepted and loved for who you are, and not worrying about being judged or criticized even when you’re not at your best. It takes effort from both of you to create this dynamic within your marriage. Increased self-awareness leads to decreased defensiveness, and that creates an environment where you can be vulnerable and raw with each other.
2. Set and enforce boundaries.
One of the main reasons we look to our marriage for refuge is the various factors that can wear on us outside of it, whether it’s stress from work, family drama, difficult friendships, current events, etc. Creating boundaries helps prevent these things from bleeding into your marriage and having a negative effect on your relationship. For example, you might make sure you have a good work-life balance and don’t bring your work home with you. Or you prioritize each other’s opinions and preferences over pushy family members, and avoid getting involved in friends’ marriage issues. Remember, as a good listener, it is always wise to listen without judgment and speak without criticism to each other. By establishing boundaries like these, you ensure your marriage doesn’t become an extension of these external sources of stress and negativity.
3. Lean into empathy.
When you need a comforting place to turn, the last thing you want to be met with is criticism or judgment. Create a warm refuge by being leading with empathy in your responses and interactions. It promotes the sense of emotional safety mentioned earlier and kicks off a positive communication cycle between you.
4. Nip resentment in the bud.
While we’ve been focusing on sources of stress outside your marriage, the reality is sometimes your marriage can stress you out, too – which can make it the opposite of a sanctuary. A common reason? Unresolved issues or conflicts cause tension and resentment to build up between you, and that can make you feel uneasy or like you’re walking on eggshells in your own marriage. Avoid this pitfall by working on having open, honest, and assertive communication. Address issues head on when they come up instead of letting them fester.
5. Know when to support versus solve. Sometimes all you need to do is listen
Some people are natural problem-solvers – when your spouse comes to you with a problem, you’re quick to offer a solution. But sometimes, a solution isn’t what they want, or need, or is ready for. Sometimes they just need your support and validation. Offer support through active listening, an affectionate touch, or simply asking what they need from you. Validate their experience by acknowledging what they’re going through and leaving space for their feelings. It’s not easy witnessing your spouse having a hard time, but it’s not always your job to fix their feelings or the situation – just be there for them.
Making your marriage feel like home doesn’t always happen on its own. Just like the difference between a stark, cold room and a cozy, comforting one, it requires effort and intention to create the kind of environment you want to spend time in – a welcoming retreat that you can turn to whenever you need it.
