Many of you have a third wheel in your marriage. It sneakily steals time and attention normally given to each other. It interrupts special and intimate moments. It exacerbates existing trust issues. Sometimes, you might even spend more time gazing at it than you do your spouse. Instead of trying to distance yourselves from it, you keep it by our side at all times.
No, it’s not a nosy friend or an overbearing family member causing these issues. It’s your phone.
Let’s be honest – even if you feel like you’ve got a good handle on how much you’re on your phone, it’s easy to fall into bad habits. Let’s dive into what to be aware of and how you can ensure your phones aren’t coming between you and your spouse.
Are you prioritizing the right kind of connection?
Whether it’s mindlessly scrolling social media, perusing products you’d like to purchase, or responding to work emails on the go, it seems like there’s always something to be doing on your phone. While this constant connection to the “outside world” has its benefits, does it come at the cost of the connection you have with your spouse? How often do you find yourselves together but not truly present because you’re both looking at your phones? There’s a good chance you’re missing out on a lot of opportunities for connection, whether it’s through conversation, cuddling, or other activities. While it’s not realistic to say you should never use your phones when you’re spending time together, try to be mindful about your scrolling. If you need to, set some boundaries around phone usage and help each other stick to them. It could be leaving your phones in another room for a couple of hours each evening or having a digital detox day every weekend.
Is it helping or hurting your communication?
Your phone allows you to be in constant communication with others, which can be a double-edged sword. On one hand, you’re always reachable – a good thing in emergencies or for staying connected when you’re apart. On the other hand, you’re always reachable, making constant interruption or distraction a real risk. You’ve probably experienced it: you’re trying to have a conversation with your spouse, but your phone keeps blowing up with texts or your sibling keeps calling. Or perhaps you were about to share something important yourself, but oh look – an update just came in about the kids’ sports schedule or a cute dog video on TikTok you just have to see. It’s one thing if this is happening only occasionally, but when it’s a regular occurrence, your overall communication will suffer. Whether you’re sharing about your day, confirming household logistics, or engaging in an intimate heart to heart, be aware of whether your phones are helping or hurting the situation. Work on basic communication skills like active listening, as this requires you to give your full, engaged attention instead of only half-listening.
Does your lock screen build trust?
Everyone is entitled to privacy, even with their spouse. It’s a necessary aspect of maintaining a healthy individual sense of self. While it might seem counterintuitive, it also helps you and your spouse build and nurture trust. By respecting privacy boundaries such as not snooping on each other’s phone, you’re trusting each other to share the things that are important. Keep in mind, there is a difference between privacy and secrecy. If your phones’ lock screens have become synonymous with keeping secrets from each other – and not just a birthday surprise you’re planning – then there may be some deeper issues at play. If you’re experiencing some tension around the level of trust in your marriage, or if you have in the past, it’s best to address it ASAP. Talk to a trusted professional if you need to.
Whether you see it as a positive or negative, your phone does play a role in your daily life. The size and significance of that role – and ultimately, its effect on your marriage – is up to you. By being mindful of the time and attention you devote to it, you can prevent it from taking on third-wheel status and becoming a wedge between you and your spouse.
More about this next week.
