How do we keep our balance? That I can tell you in one word: Tradition! Without our traditions, life would be as shaky as…as…as a fiddler on the roof! — Tevye
The glue that holds relationships together longest is a rollicking sex life. The thing that promotes a rollicking sex life is a series of memories, traditions, special moments and shared friendship that must be cultivated on purpose.
This is the romance part of life and it is NEVER something that happens to you, it’s something you have to create with intentionality.
It begins with things as simple as small and unexpected kindnesses and may include:
· That quick sticky note you found in your briefcase when you got to work.
· The SHMILY note written in steam on your mirror in the morning (See How Much I Love You) in case you are not familiar
· The special card you find tucked between your clothes in your suitcase when you are traveling on business
· The single rose you brought home for no reason at all
· Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, Mother’s/Father’s Day, Valentine’s Day (BTW these are four of the five times you should bring flowers home…the fifth one is just-for-the-heck-of-it) But those are minimums.
· The unsolicited foot massage or back rub at the end of the day.
· The snuggling at the end of the day
· Sneaking up behind each other in the kitchen for a quick hug or pat on the butt…even in front of the kids. It’s important for kids to see that it’s not only healthy and normal, but expected that moms and dads touch each other affectionately and kiss in front of them. They’ll think it’s gross at first, but trust me, the message gets delivered that mom and dad really love each other.
It continues with those fun things that you both like to do that are made part of your regular routines. For us it includes:
· Barbecuing in the backyard.
· Dinner with friends
· Traveling to Santa Fe sometimes for no reason at all
· Books on tape rented from the public library on road trips
· Seeing our grandchildren
· Reading together
· Touring the wine country (anywhere)
One of the biggest killers of romance in marriages is the birth of children. The more of those little crumb snatchers you bring into the world, the harder it is to maintain your romance. In addition, entropy is alive and well in all relationships. Familiarity does indeed naturally breed contempt. It’s very easy to fall into the trap of ho hum about relationships that include kids.
Parents have to tend to the needs of children and often their previously directed romantic energies are dissipated and transferred to the children and they simply stop doing the things they did when they were trying to catch each other.
We see a large number of couples who have been married 20-30 years or longer who have just kicked the last of their baby birds out of the nest and one morning they wake up and with surprised looks on their faces ask each other, “Who in the heck are you and what are you doing in MY house?”
They have spent so much of their time channeling their own needs and feelings into and through their children that when the brats leave home, there is nothing to talk about or do.
A popular buzz term for this kind of marriage is a parallel marriage. It’s sorta like railroad tracks. They are going along in the same direction, but they never get together. Folks eat, sleep, wash clothes, dress, get their mail and park their cars in the same place, but they never intersect.
The kind of intersection that keeps romance alive in a home has to make keeping the romance alive a priority…even over the care and concern of the children who show up.
I’m not talking about neglecting anything your children need, but I am suggesting that the best gift you can ever give your children is to love their Mom or Dad. I can tell you for a lead-pipe cinch fact that the best gift I can give our daughter whom I inherited when I married her Mom is to love her mother better than she has ever been loved before. My job is to show her how a husband and wife and mother and dad are supposed to act together.
The obverse of that is also true. I brought two sons into this marriage and I work hard at showing them how to love and care for my bride. I have had to remind them of my sorrow for not doing that better with their mother.
As our grandsons grow to maturity, I tell each of them to look at TGR and me if they want to see how a Mom and Dad/husband and wife are supposed to act toward each other. We are committed to giving them the best example they can see.
To do that there are several things we need to do in addition to the little things and the fun things I mentioned earlier.
I need to date TGR every week.
On my calendar I need to insert a standing appointment either Friday or Saturday every week. (Nothing magic about those days; they are just the ones that work best for us). Both of us take it as our responsibility to ask the other for a date. Whoever asks first gets to decide where we go. It’s not an automatic deal. It’s a real ASK and a real DATE.
When we have an opportunity to do something else on Date Night, we say politely, I’m sorry, we cannot go, we have a previous engagement. Having a date with my sweetheart every week is not just the right thing to do, it helps us keep the romance alive.
There’s lots more to this, so come back next week.
